Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I Played Enzai, And Finished It!

OMG really? What did you play? Oh, yes! I played Enzai.

If you don't know what Enzai is, you don't wanna know. Trust me. But yeah, well, let's let you know.

Enzai is a visual novel by Langmaor or Jast, I think. It's a story about this kid Guys. He was falsely accused and raped and blah blah blah...

Honestly, what kind of game is this? It was supposed to be a visual novel so normally, you read then you flip, like a book. But this, it's different! You press enter, press space to see the whole image, drop your jaw and then close your mouth again. Regardless to if you were a moe or a goody-two-shoes, you're always going to stop and stare, because clearly, it's what you should expect from porn.

Not only is it porn, the characters insert EVERYTHING they see into Guys' butt. Wine bottle, whip, mop, what's next? Lit candle? Mobile phone? My pebble Samsung S2 mp3 player? And what's with Durer's hobbies? Shooting guys' dicks off? One chapter made me hate chocolate for the rest of my life!

This game, honestly is senseless! I mean what is the moral lesson of this game, anyway? Probably something from "Don't go walking around vacant lots (which Guildias calls a PLOT) during rainy days", "Don't stomp on tall people's foots", "Don't go masturbating with your lawyer in court otherwise your friends will delude you", "Prisons in France are like schools, where they have a library, and you can go out of your cell any time", "Pedophiles SUCK at singing and decorating Christmas trees...or... ehem... humans", to "Hot guys have fat 'things' as their fathers". Let's face it, no matter what ending you get, there is no message.

I don't even understand how I managed to finish this game. It's so... so... see? Words don't even have the right to explain the things I've went through playing this game. It's worse than Otoya's button which is "shaped like a trapezoid and can suppress thirst" or Mikoto's "leather shoe tactics".

Still, there are these questions that keep haunting me : Why does this Belbet guy - who is kind of sexy - have to be so retarded? Why did Jose rape a nun because he hated her? Why does Io not have balls at all? That thing is Durer's father?! What's up with "Make a hole in my guts, Darling"?, And why does this game suck so much?

Seriously. The. Worst. Game. Ever...

But if you think the game is bad enough, you should know better. Let's talk about the anime.

1. It has awesome animation and they don't walk like they have balloons between their legs... not.

2. Vallewida. How can he (or she) do all those things with his hands tied behind his back? How did he wear that dress? AND WHY IS HE MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN I AM!

3. Durer. Enough said.

4. Lusca. He's too good to be true.

5. Guildias. Isn't he too loyal to be a pedophile?

6. Guys. One word. Whore.

While the game sucks cow nipples, the anime sucks... whatever is worse than cow nipples. Everything is wrong wrong, wrong this, wrong that, with any angle, IT.IS.WROOOOOOONG!!!

Although the characters are kind of hot.

Especially Durer Ashford.

...and Guildias Balfour...

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